(no subject)

To all my friends who read this: I have a new livejournal. Check your "friend of" lists to find out where I am now...I'm not announcing it for various reasons (plus its more fun this way ;). For those of you who post friend-only style, *please* add my new name asap so I don't have to log in twice to read your guys' journals. Thanks!

(no subject)

Near 4 o clock and the weekend is over. Can I go back in time? Click repeat and go back to Friday, do it again. Sit and smile, just chill. Nothing to worry about. Could have been better, could have been worse. I hit a low, yeah. It happens to me and I knew it would happen eventually, I knew it would happen because of him. But I swear, there were moments of ultimate happiness. I just felt totally free, no worries, no strings attached.

Movies. PS2...not being able to play defense for the life of me. The casino. The beach, walking around Poulsbo, the mall, BBQ's - who the hell eats salad?! (It's a poulsbo thing). Late night talks - Bananas! (I'm never gonna live that down). Never brought out the camera once...but I didn't need to. I'm smiling.

But....I found myself crying more than once. I had the worst panic attack since the squad leader initiation junior year and I can't figure out what sparked it. Fear of him, fear of everyone else, fear of being judged...all the while dealing with revelations that somehow were realized while trying to explain things to him last night. I said things I didn't even know I was thinking and I started crying and then the realization I was crying made me cry harder but I kept it inside.

...he said he brought up the past, brought up the things that hurt, to make me stronger. And I responded with so many words I barely remember the entire content. Things about how I have enough to try and make me strong and listed them off one by one, things about this year that I despise and how everything has turned into a regret except for two relationships. Because its not me. It's not the Kelly who loves and wants love. Its not the Kelly who just wants to find someone to be in love with and marry and be one with. But I didn't tell him that, because I couldn't. (He knows)

I don't know how to let go of anything. I don't know how to just forget about the past and say its over. I never learned how to do it and I'm truly afraid I never will. You know that saying "it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all"? Bullshit. Total bullshit. I'd rather never know the feeling then feel the pain I do now.

I'm going to go take care of things.

i <3 my friends

I'm so lame. Andy and Adam are sitting in the other room and I'm in here on the computer. They're being boys playing with PS2...they offered to let me play but I had the urge to read livejournal.

Addicted? No doubt.

Anyways, this weekend is rocking my socks off. I have decided the friends I've made this year are the best I've had in my life; I assign titles to those that I've had in my past and I still think two of them hold true, but I wonder how much better these are...look through my aim list (which I can't right now because I'm signed on at home..er...the dorms...whatever the hell you want to call that room on campus that I call my own) and I can't help but smile at how close they've all become. Carolyn knows what I'm talking about. Being with these guys for the last 12 hours has just made me realize how happy I am with these people. So far I've gotten two calls from friends since I've been gone (and that doesn't include the incredibly RANDOM call I got on the way to seeing the Matrix...again....see below for details.) and to think about it...I'm just happy. So sad to leave it all, but I'll come back to it in September and it'll start up again.

The Matrix freakin rules. OK, so its different from the first on so many levels. Seeing it once didn't allow me to fully grasp everything it contained, except for the many opinions of fellow movie watchers and the others who had seen it for the first time. But, I respect it on SO many levels. The cinemetography, the association with Christianity, the philosophy, and the way they balanced the depth with the "oh we need to appeal to the everyday human". Just...whoa. I'd write something meaningful about it but I really don't feel like typing a book right now...the boys might come over and ask what I'm doing and I don't feel like explaining "oh I'm writing my opinion on the matrix."

...then again, saying "oh I'm writing about my life" isn't a great reason to be typing away at 1 in the morning on my friends computer at his house in Poulsbo during Memorial Day weekend.

yeah, Z's comment about reaching total lame-hood or whatever it was about may be more applicable then I realized at the time.

I'm off to go write in other places. Expect a change in livejournal location when I return on Monday. But I'll make it fun for you guys. Details when it happens :)

(no subject)

Do you want to know how I feel? How I'm torn in every possible direction and just want to sit in my room, in the middle of my room, for the next 17 days until I get to leave it all? For real you guys, 17 days and life as I know it is over. I go home, I leave my friends, I turn on my computer and my cell and suddenly thats my only connection to everything I've come to know. Ash left me, Z may or may not be around....and I'm left to dig through the remnants of high school. Are Mark and Karis home, will I see Peter....will I spend my spare time at the U because this is home and I know it?

And when I leave, I go home to my old life. I go home to my past - and doing so at a time where I'm reliving a heartache that scarily resembles what I delt with when I left home. So in love with love I'm losing all sight of logic. I really should save this for my other journal, and for the most part I will. But as secure as I am with things, I desperately want something to hold onto, and I'm looking back again. Looking recently, looking further. And now its not this year, with the exception of the solid things I held that meant something, that made me feel whole and happy....its looking back. For some reason I have this feeling that I'm going to end up with something I've held before, and I can't identify where that is. And maybe I'm just thinking that because its so familiar.

I'm so tired.

(no subject)

Casie: "I don't want any more drama in my life. Your life has enough drama in it for the both of us."

and you guys thought my journal was a bunch of bs.

(no subject)

Konstantine plays out and tears fall and I want to write poetry. I want to sit and go outside and just cry. Forever. I want to escape. Go far away and just start over. Too much is held here. I can count the years further back then the memories go...when you start to forget things and whent he emotions detach and when you find yourself stumbling upon them again you know its time. College was supposed to be it. I was supposed to come here and start over. Instead 9 months have passed and I find myself counting to 3 years ago and realizing something that I can't identify. I turn to secrets and outlets that no one will ever to know about to try and sort this all out and it all comes back to this - to this journal because I think I crave attention.

I know I do.

This is me rambling because I'm crying, because I'm tired from sleepless nights, because I'm every emotion in the book and I have my favorite song playing and....I'm back to sitting at that table in September of Junior year writing. About him, about loss, about some emotions that existed or maybe not. And it was then I found someone else and the trek of finding those someone elses began. And it never stopped.

And I think of how many someone elses I've been through and it makes me sick. I was so proud of it for so long and now it makes me nauseous. To not know the names, to not recognize faces, to not be able to say I loved them or had them or cared for them....to have so many meaningless things.

I love. Hard. I fall and I crash and thats how I want to live. I want to have someone in my arms and I want to come home to love. Thats who I am. I've gone for three years looking for some replacement for someone who introduced me to that concept.

And suddenly I'm awake in another sense.

I don't know what this is all for. I don't know what tommorow will bring or what I'll come home to tonight. I know what I walked down my hall thinking at 7 this morning and I know what I dreampt when I finally slept today. I know what I'm thinking now and I know what secrets I wrote about an hour ago - secrets you'll never realize because I can't, because I....I'm scared.

So scared. Scared of the past, scared that its catching up with me in a way I never wanted it to. Scared of the fact I'm feeling again. Scared that i'm opening myself up to get hurt in a way I never expected.

And there's this possibility that I'm just overanalyzing and reaching. "It's always you and my big dreams."

If only I could live in my dreams.

(no subject)

I asked if one thing were to change, where would it leave me.

It would leave me realizing what I need and what I don't. It would leave me to find that I am my own person, that I am a wild child to some degree, that I am not who I used to be in reflection. It would leave me to realize everything has left me to realize a little more (nothing less) and that my values are just a little stronger as a result.

So here I am and I'm going to deal with it. I want to talk to someone because I miss him in a way I can't explain. Because he's the type that's right for me and I'm not quite sure how to deal with that. Maybe I don't miss him. I miss how a person like him makes me a better me.

That one thing changed and it brought me here. So I'll take what it gave me and I'll rid of the frustrations its causing. To anyone associated with it who'll feel the reprecussions of what I'm about to do regarding the situation I've been in for about a week now, my apologies ahead of time. I just can't take it anymore.

(no subject)

I don't know who reads this anymore. After careful internal debating over the last 200 or so seconds I've decided this is MY outlet. It has been over a year and a half now. I'm not going to run back to breeze or turn to one of my other live or dead journals; that would take too much effort to notify only those who I want to, plus, I know there are tons of people who anonymously read this who aren't harming me by being here that I'd hate to cut off by moving.

So here's the thing. If you know me in real life and read this and aren't on my friends list, you've gotta understand this is my place to vent. I write about my reactions to life here. They aren't always thoughts I carry with me 24-7; I have spontaneous reactions to random things. A conversation with Tyler will stir up frustration or heartache, but it doesn't mean that I want him back. I'll talk to Jon about college and want to murder the boy, but it doesn't mean I love him any less. And I'll decide I'm a failure at life after studying for 7 hours, but it doesn't mean that I seriously beleive that I'm worthless. I'm quite aware of the reprecussion of every decision, action and emotion of mine....I just happen to have the need to explore my thoughts and often late at night I have emotional outburts that come through in verbage on livejournal...on here.

So here's to the comment made at lunch regarding rumors stemming from SOMEONE reading my livejournal. IF YOU FUCKING READ SOMETHING ON HERE, ASK ME ABOUT IT. DON'T GO TALKING TO PERSON A WHO'LL TALK TO B WHO'LL TALK TO C AND SO ON TILL IT GETS TO ME THROUGH PERSON Z. I'm MORE THAN WILLING to talk about my life if you care - just because I DON'T USUALLY TALK ABOUT MY LIFE doesn't mean I won't. I write vague details on here for a reason, but if you happen to piece it together and are concerned, then TALK to me. And, hey, even better - tell me you're reading this so I can keep tabs on who's here and who's not.

...and for the record, I'm not "heartbroken over some boy I dated for two weeks." I'm somewhat confused over my emotions regarding someone I was involved with for three months. Thank you.